December 2009
41 posts
I am sorry about the joy I get from watching other...
I got my haircut this morning in a kitchen and now there’s too much product in it. Time for another shower.
Am I the only one who didn’t get plastered the night before New Year’s Eve? I have a tolerance of how many nights in a row I can be drunk and that number is one.
I am failing at being an alcoholic. And fitting in with my peers.
My armpits stink.
Last NYE I woke up with...
I was like good gracious ass is bodacious
If I ever become a lesbian, I am just going to...
Love it when guys put "bone'n" in their list of...
Sometimes I have intentions of doing some crazy emotional eating but then I get the food in front of me and lose my appetite. It’s like I fail at everything.
Please dear god let this be the last melt-down I...
Next year is so close but I have a pretty strong feeling this won’t be my last.
Good thing is: Old men hold the door open for me longer than they should.
Bad thing is: I make sales associates uncomfortable.
At 7:41 I got a text from a friend I haven’t...
Fighting the urge to say take it all back
You bought it all thoughtlessly and instead of distracting from your secret alcholoism, you’re actually highlighting it to me by saying you’d rather drink beer than think about me for ten minutes.
Or, good god, renew my subscription to McSweeney’s cause that would require you to go somewhere other than CVS’s gift card center.
Nothing is the same without you
You gave the best gifts. Not because you spent the most money (sometimes you did but it was never necessary) but because you thought about it the most. Because you put the most love into it.
Here, I got you these tears for Christmas.
You can only give people so many opportunities before you’re just exhausted. Before you aren’t surprised anymore when they screw up. When you can start to rely on their screwups.
Maybe this isn’t for you to understand and maybe this is a reminder for me to gain some perspective, that as bad as I feel in that moment, the truth is, I’ve felt this before and probably worse.
SORRY THIS COOKIE I MADE YOU RESEMBLES A VAGINA
me: woooo, wine is amazing. hope these cookies i have to work on tonight don't reflect the amazingness of the wine. or maybe i hope they do. "here's how much i like you. i got sloshed and decided to freeform my sugar cookies. sorry this resembles a vagina"
Marilyn: I WANT A VAGINA COOKIE
actually no... i think i need a penis cookie
me: i like the all caps lock. you're pretty dedicated to this cookie
Marilyn: so should i put PENIS in all caps too?
me: not neccessary
Marilyn: hahaha
me: i get the urgency of penises
I clearly wasn't ready for the picture of the hour...
WITH! TWO! FACES!
Why do farmers feel compelled to post pictures of these things on Twitter at 9 in the mo’nin’?
Just 1,095 days left.
2012 here we come.
Around the glow of a fire pit I appear happy and grateful for these people.
Nine am I wake up to the neighbor boys bouncing their basketball.
Eleven am I wake up drenched in sweat with the covers thrown off my body. I grab them and readjust, pulling them tight under my chin, roll onto my stomach and tuck my arms under my chest and my hands into my neck, rest my left foot across the top of the...
Non-news update!
I fall in love with people I respect.
I don’t actually respect people very often.
Confused about why you would need a pattern to sew...
Met Art Smith today
Sweeter in person than I ever imagined. We ate a tangerine together that my grandparents grew (these are seriously the best tangerines I’ve ever had and I’ve been eating their citrus my entire life. They have worked magic out there this year.) and while he nearly melted we declared my grandparents gods. Hello farming life. After talking extensively with five different nationally...
I apologoze for everything I said last night after...
I clearly had a lapse of judegment and started talking and typing like an easily excited 14 year old.
Tonight I went to a catfish fry and listened to a jazz band, went to a friend’s art opening and ended the night in class by watching Jersey Shore online with my best girlfriend and drinking some beer.
I promise things like my previous post will never happen again.
“Ladies is pimps, too.”
– Jay-Z (via molls)
Ohhhhhh shit girl. I was just listening to this song yesterday thinking “Yo, Jay-Z says I’m a pimp too.” And then I forgot to post it because I’ve been all boohoo sad but tonight I went salsa dancing and I couldn’t be happier. So fuck everything,...
How many times until I get this right?
I step outside and the air is like a wake-up call. Inside is too warm, been fighting with the roommates over what the thermostat should read. So the air outside makes my shoulders unroll and my chin raise. It also makes me feel again. I woke up to an email from Beijing; he’s writing me to tell me he feels bad, that he feels like he broke me and walked away (again). He says that this...
Watching you sit around and wait for me
Sorry I don’t have the heart to fight it out with you right now.
“The rest of the novel was just as interesting, but not recommended for people...”
– This was a reader’s review on amazon of a novel I was investigating.
When did I stop wanting to be old someday?
I clearly remember the moment I first realized I wanted to grow old. Where did that desire go? Who doesn’t want to run away? Going to art school makes the “real world” that much more difficult to accept when school is over. I’ve forgotten how to feel everything all at once. I’ve been told on more than one occasion by more than one person that I am disarming. When I...
Be weary of love from average men
He told me just days before getting here that he bought one of those waving cats. I gushed with love for the tackiness, these cheesy items in foreign places that serve no purpose but to make my heart leap. I told him if anybody ever gave me one of those it would be a wedding proposal and I would drop to my knees and say yes.
And then, in the dark of his parents house just a week later he handed...
Had to go to the dentist today
As they were finishing up with me a young boy, probably 9 years old, came in the room next to mine, his voice full of panic and anxiety over what the dentist would do to him. Surprisingly everybody worked together to calm him down and explain everything that would happen so he felt like some of the power was back in his hands. And then they tried to distract him by putting in a movie. My dentist,...
fist pumpin for days
with this music, i’m not worried about downloading a virus, i’m worried about std’s.
Silver Springs - Fleetwood Mac
Time casts a spell...
just renamed my current favorite mix
from “your stupid face dropping a deuce” to “your stupid face dropping the kids off at the pool” and as i was telling somebody about it, they asked if it was an angry mix. no, not at all, i responded. and then i caught myself in the middle of this sentence:
“i just don’t want anybody to look at anything in my life and feel like they can relate to me.”
...
He started calling me petnames again
So the struggle between what my head knows and my heart wants continues.
Time for alcohol.
Sometimes the things you say when you're sick make...
Genuinely upset, crying on the phone with my mom
Me: This food is too healthy
There's nothing like bronchitis in December
There’s nothing like falling alseep with four winter blankets piled on you, clothed in a hoodie and flannel pajama pants, falling asleep shivering and waking up at 11:30pm from a nap drenched in sweat. There’s nothing like changing your sheets at bedtime in December, when the air is a bit nippy and you try to breath in deep and end up coughing up blood. Fucking year this has...
He called tonight but as soon as I picked up the phone, I started crying uncontrollably. We sat in silence, both of us listening to me crying and slobbering into the receiver. I finally choked, “I can’t” and he said “Okay” very softly to which we both hit the red buttons on our phones, thirteen hours apart, me in the desert and he in Beijing.
Thanks for the swine flu*, Mexico
*It’s not swine flu, it’s my annual case of bronchitis.
P.S. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? It was supposed to be 2000-mine and (while I know twenty-ten is probably going to kick my ass even worse so don’t even show your stupid face, you duece dropper) it’s more like 2000-nein. You know, like the mother-effin German language? Jesus fucking christ, do I have to spell...
So after going to Mexico for the day, I now have...
Fantastic.