My toes are cold but I won’t I won’t I won’t close the windows and doors because it makes you feel alive, you know, in a way you don’t get to the rest of the year it’s really okay to roll your eyes and I’m sitting in a chair worth an entire week’s pay in my parent’s house and I finally found a place to call home for a little while it feels like a foreshadow my job won’t be there in the next few months and I’ll move to LA by summertime and I don’t know what to say about this gut instinct I just hope it’s wrong because I love this stupid desert because I get to leave it all the time as I’m dreaming of faraway places this cloudy perfectly filtered light afternoon researching visas by country there’s been this push to marry me off to strangers lately there’s this man in the Navy in Texas the son of a family friend and the Russian who is only here six months of the year and the man last night who came up behind me in the townie bar full of people who came here for college and never left the mile circle around the school even fifteen years later I was crying at the crane game that used a claw to scoop up live lobsters for two quarters and nobody will ever get one but it’s cruel and they flinched away while I stood there wiping tears from my cheeks and this man stood behind me and said he’d like to make me a mother tonight and I sniffled and didn’t turn to face him instead watching our reflections from the game in front of us pushed a bobby pin back into my blonde bun and walked away silently these hips aren’t telling the truth about the kind of mother I’d be and okay maybe I miss cuddling on Sunday mornings and picnic dinners on the floor on Tuesday nights and finding a hand while one stays on the wheel but the longing isn’t enough for me to forget Blue Valentine and The Future and you and the way i feel even to this day so I’m going to click Confirm Purchase and not be home for Christmas this year.
